Lacking Oshin in my mind

I was overwhelmed with work. Over 90,000 words transcriptions of a long interview knocked me out. Moreover, another interview comes in, another one, and another job. I can’t do anymore! Then I got depressed.

I had nightmares two nights in a row. First, I wandered around a large factory abundant site and put my bag on the ground. Then the bag sunk. Oh! it was a swamp. I could not take my bag anymore. The next day, I couldn’t move because I was tied up by someone. I can’t move! When I flapped my arms and legs with all my strength, I grabbed my pet cat that was sleeping with me. Sorry…

My body was worn out, my mind was depressed, and I was lethargic. I was so depressed…I struggled and screamed in my futon.

But the dawn finally came one day. During asleep I recalled a page in a book called “Please let me die with euthanasia” by Ms. Sugako Hashida. There is a page of the photograph taken of one scene of “Oshin”. Oshin is a Japanese serialized morning television drama created by her. For Japanese, Oshin is synonymous with hard work and persistence.

When Ms. Hashida was evacuated to Yamagata during the World War Ⅱ, there is a story she heard from a woman who worked in a lumber wholesaler. In the old days, she had no money and could not board a boat going down the Mogami River. So she made a raft out of timber and sailed down the river. The episode was used as it was in Oshin. I recalled the episode and thought.

I lacked Oshin in my mind…

Oshin was even more painful, more persistent than me. Then I whipped myself. I said to me do more best yourself!

At the same time, I found that my transgender story also lacked Oshin. No matter how hard it was, Oshin worked hard, and no matter how poor she was not embarrassed, she always did her best. Oshin’s hardship life gave a huge impact to audience.

My story lacks Oshin’s hardship. I won’t get the reader’s sympathy. I must write more hardships of the main characters I created. But I was still depressed with fatigue. Yesterday I complained about my depression to the nurse at the clinic I go to to become a transgender. The nurse then said,

“I think about the water in Africa when I’m in depression.”

In Africa, when you turn the faucet, no water comes out. People must go to draw water and store it in the turtle. It’s very unsanitary, troublesome, and painful work. Compared to that, I think I’m very blessed.

So I must think that I am very lucky because I can be a transgender, because anybody can’t be transgender in Africa (probably). Now, the river flow of Oshin and the water of Africa are flowing through my body.



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